Postpartum Depression……. when motherhood is gray

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I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. Anxiety has plagued me my entire life, and depression always seems to follow the anxiety. What I haven’t dealt with, nor expected to deal with was PPD and PPA. But alas, I have been diagnosed with both.

After everything I went through to have Willow, PPA and PPD just seem like strange bedfellows for joy. I’ve never been more happy. Everything in my life, is my version of perfection. I have an amazing husband, and healthy, happy children (one that took us 3 years of infertility and loss, to have). But here I am….. sad, not sad, but also happy, not happy. If PPD was a color, I guess it would be gray. So, here I am, just gray.

Prozac takes the edge off of the gray. Kind of like an eraser that doesn’t quite take the black pencil off of the white paper. Perhaps, the gray exists because of the anxiety? I don’t have a clue. The anxiety is extremely pervasive and Xanax doesn’t quite quell the anxiety…. plus, I’m nursing, so taking the xanax as frequently as I probably should, isn’t a viable option. I realize that if I stopped nursing, my hormones would probably stabilize and I could take the xanax more often or, perhaps not need the xanax at all? However, I set a breastfeeding goal; I want to make it a minimum of 12 months of breastfeeding. So, I shall suffer, all in the name of suckling my infant…. I am woman, hear me roar….. well, maybe not roar… more like a scared mouse squeak.

Motherhood is about KOKO, right? Even when it isn’t fun……. or, when it is gray. So, cheers to all the mamas, regardless of what color you feel….. give yourself a pat on the back…. this shit is hard.